Get in line mother*****r
a bump along the road
It’s 4AM and I am wide awake, pacing around the small living room in our little holiday apartment. Kids and wife are in bed, sleeping peacefully.
My mind is spinning, how could it be possible?
Just a few days prior we had arrived in London, an exciting holiday we’d been thinking of for a while. We had chosen the full travel experience. Driving our van from Berlin to the coast in France. After a short overnight stop, we proceeded to Dover by ferry. The bright white sandstone cliffs were a magnificent sight. Rain was in the forecast, as we arrived there was blue sky and sunshine. It was meant to be.
The following days in London were exquisit, we walked thousands of steps every day around all the sights. It filled my heart. Little Charley smiling into his phone for a selfie with (the other) Big Ben. Rudi’s sudden confidence in striking up conversations with strangers in his familiar mother-tongue.
We also ate A LOT! London has a sizeable southeast asian population, so getting good Malay/ Singaporean/ Indonesian food is easy - we were feasting on all of it.
Back to that hotel room at 4AM - It was an email earlier in the day that had toppled it all over. All the fun and joy. An unexpected bill. A large one, thousands.
For context, I had been wrestling with myself for quite some time. Should we go on this trip at all? I’m still newly in business, it’s a fragile little flower of a company. Can I afford to take a week off completely? Can I afford spending this money, that’s pure runway… I should be smart and chose work over pleasure.
On the other hand, the kids have fall holidays, it won’t be till Xmas for their next holiday and I am not going to London then. Ah f*** it, what am I working so hard for if I don’t enjoy myself once in a while….
So here I am, 4AM, mind racing - our runway has just been significantly shortened!
The next day started crappy mood, of course a night with few hours sleep does that to you. It’s a strange feeling of hangover but without the fun the night before. I could feel myself being a snappy brat. Every loud sound the kids made, set me off. I was being a grump to Naura. Face like a shrivelled old apple. I could feel the life energy being sucked out of me by my own spiralling negative self talk. “That’s it.. business is over, who are you to even think you could make this happen, you should have planned this better, this trip was such a bad idea… Why did I not foresee this bill… I am a reckless father…”
Here’s where my coach training comes in useful. I now don’t drown in this stuff anymore. A day of sulking and feeling pity for myself went by when I realized that this is not making the situation any better. Quite the opposite, I am pulling others into my vortex of pain and that’s simply not fair or productive. I started being curious about the thoughts and feelings, what’s actually behind them.. ohh fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, frustration that things don’t go my way, tight-grip attachment to my desired outcome.
None of this is useful, so I allowed myself to take a deep breath, shake the worries and decide to take a different mental attitude towards it. A sense of detachment, curiosity and openness. Maybe this thing happening in the middle of a dream vacation isn’t bad luck after all, maybe it’s meant to be, to teach me something!? In hindsight, it feels like life yelling: “Get in line, mother****er”
Once we reached back home I got to work! I took stock of my possessions that I would consider pure luxury. For example, I own a fancy Brompton folding bike. It’s bright green, rides like a dream and folds down into a package not much bigger than the average backpack. I love it. I love my business even more.
Working with interesting people on a daily basis. Working hand in hand on their challenges, ideas, dreams and aspirations. Seeing them grow above and beyond their own wildest expectations of themself. Seeing people take courageous steps into a life they want for themselves, in spite of fear and uncertainty. Being a part of these stories is incredibly beautiful. It’s my own story as well.
There is more: with each new client, each call, each session, I learn a little more about myself. I grow alongside my clients. I am filled with gratitude for this.
This space is worth much more than money. It’s worth protecting, the bike doesn’t matter at all.
It’s now a week after the bad news email. As I am writing this text, I feel optimistic, balanced, happy and content.
I decided:
Worry is not useful in this moment, time to get back to my regular work
My clients hire me to be a great coach - that’s what I need to focus on, great coaching
There are some practical steps I can take in the short term to compensate for that financial boulder, done
Building a business is rarely a straight line to success, having a setback is just part of the game, it’s to be expected, it’s the norm
Why am I sharing this with the world? Simple - transparency. As I am living my authentic and honest life sharing about the bumps along the road is as much truth as the highlights.
Life goes on, I can’t wait to see what the next 6 months bring.