Let the kids play

Both of my kids spend countless hours a week playing computer games and I am OK with it. In fact, I encourage it. 

There’s this big divide between parenting styles and many others I know are incredibly strict about screen time with their children. It’s like 20 min per day kind of nonsense.

Recently at a parent-teacher conference, one of the parents begged the class teacher of my 7th grader to stop giving ipad-assignments. I must have made a face with a big question-mark, so the parent proceeded to explain: “When my child does a school task on the iPad in school, she will then demand to complete that task on the iPad at home and I am having a hard time getting her off the screen after that.” Many others nodded on agreement…

Oh!! How about doing some actual parenting!? 

But no, having a tough conversation with the child is so difficult, instead I try putting the responsibly on the teacher to try to forbid the technology altogether. What a bunch of bs! 

Does that mean, that my kids are these hyper-responsible little monks? Of course not, they try to bend the rules all the time. Just the other nigh, I caught the little guy in the middle of the night with his phone under the blanket. We had a tough conversation, right in that moment and he switched it off and went to bed. 

Here’s the deal, the world is digital by now, forming friendships and social connections doesn’t just happen in the physical world anymore. Games like Roblox or Minecraft are not a waste of time at all. They teach strategic thinking, resilience, leadership skills. Discord plays a big role in this too, it’s how children talk with each other nowadays.

If you’re old like me, you remember landline phones. I had been yelled at more than once for blocking the phone line while my parents were waiting for an incoming call... This type of social audio-connection happens now on discord. My older son is still chatting with friends he made while we lived in the US. The little one less so, but he makes new friends every day. There is Roman from Bulgaria and Dennis from England. They all connect and form friendships and learn how to run a petrol-station at the same time. Yes, a petrol station.

Big dinner table discussion the other night, Charley asking me about the economics of running a petrol station. Buying the fuel in bulk, market dynamics, stocking the shop with sweets. When I challenge him “where the heck do you come up with this..?” He said “Oh it’s a Roblox game and my friends and I are trying to run a profitable one!”

Of course there are also much less educational games like shooters. Still, I think they teach valuable life skills. It’s a lot about leadership, collaboration, conflict resolutions and resiliency. Don’t you wish that your kids learn this stuff early on!? 

Sometimes, other kids come to visit. They love to visit because Charley is allowed to have GTA on his computer. When I observe them, they are like little crack addicts stuffing their minds with the game like there was no tomorrow. That’s not healthy. We can’t just deprive these little minds. They’ll crave it even more. 

So can my kids just do whatever they want? Nope! We do have rules in place. About a year ago they were allowed to play on a daily basis with almost no time restrictions. School grades started to take a hit. So we sat them down and had the painful and long conversation about the human brain, dopamine and serotonin, the effects of screens and games and Youtube. At the end of that 2 hour conversation we all agreed (some of us in tears) that it was probably for the best to play less during the week. Then they both handed in their laptops voluntarily, so they won’t be tempted. Look at how responsible and wise the little people can be if we treat them like smart, responsible humans. They are not idiots who need to be told what to do, once they understand the reasoning behind stuff, they will draw their own conclusions. 

Right now, we have a hybrid rule. Generally, during weekdays, the focus should be on school. There is very limited to no gaming during the school days as long as the grades are not ideal yet. This is complicated by the fact that they both still learn German while attending a German school. They both agree with that rule, there is no whining or crying about it. They get it and accept it. Communication with their friends e.g. calls on discord, is still allowed. Completing a project using a computer, also still allowed. Using ChatGPT to brainstorm some stuff, allowed!

When there is great news from school, e.g. a fabulous mark on a test, then there may be bonus gaming days. It’s a simple reward, they understand the concept and agree with it. Staring Friday after school, all restrictions are off. They can play until their eyes fall out. 

We found that the best way to engage with the topic is with experimentation. Yes, it takes a lot of extra work and time to sit down and talk and discuss, but it’s healthy, makes the children intrinsically responsible and quite frankly takes a lot of “No-No-Parenting” off my shoulders. I’ve definitely made plenty of mistakes in the process too. That’s the point. Try something, see how it goes, adjust and try again.

Lastly, my wife Naura says is best: “Ah, cmon let the kids play, when is the next time in their lives when they can just sit and play without a worry?” Let ‘em play!