When things are sh*t
(trigger warning: mental health, anxiety, depression)
It started in the morning, even before opening my eyes. There it was, this feeling of heaviness, constriction in my chest, stinging fear all over me. Could it be the dream I just had? Maybe I am getting sick? Covid again!? Ah, it’s probably nothing.
I continue scanning my body and my mind. It’s everywhere, it’s like a blanket of static-electricity, high pitched electricity that zaps me constantly. It’s not 100% debilitating it’s semi-subtle but annoyingly omnipresent.
This is not the first time that I am going through a phase like this, it happens occasionally. Actually it’s been happening for as long as I remember. Maybe it’s clinical anxiety, maybe it’s a form of depression, I don’t know. I don’t need to know.
It’s part of who I am and I am still learning to exist with it. I could probably get a doctor to prescribe me some pills that will take the edge of it. Am I still “me” then?
Gladly, if it happens, it usually only lasts a few days. It comes out of nowhere and it disappears. So I have the assurance - this too shall pass.
During a recent conversation with my own Coach, the topic came up. We explored it a little and I could feel my burning desire to “get to the bottom of it”. What’s causing it, what triggered it, why am I feeling this way at times??? The endless loop I had been in many times before.
Julie reminded me that it’s not necessarily about solving it, fixit it. It’s more likely about “being with it”. So I was left with the inquiry what “being with it” could look like.
I have an early warning system, my body. It’s a physical sensation that shows up first. Being with means listening to my body and noticing it.
I have a capable support system. My environment, my routines, my family and friends. Being with means cuing my support system in and allowing them to be there for me.
I have the ability to rest. Being with means allowing me to take a break from work, social events, showing up, giving energy. Recharging, being selfish for a while.
I have the knowledge that it will pass. Being with means accepting it, not trying to numb it, not distracting myself. Instead experiencing it, noticing what it’s trying to teach me, who it is allowing me to be.
Why am I sharing this with you?
3 Reasons:
To show you that I, too, struggle at times. While to the outside it might look like everything is always perfect. It’s not. I am human, you are human, most of us are human and thus struggle is part of the game. Often, struggle is hidden and thus when oneself struggles it can seem like a unique, deeply personal flaw. It’s not, we all struggle in some ways.
That there are ways to exist with discomfort, struggle and pain. There are ways to be with difficult emotions that will likely build resilience and maturity and have the chance to even provide deep insights about oneself, the world and life itself. Distractions and numbing agents will curb the feeling for a short while, to truly grow then only way is through.
Yes, Coaches have Coaches too. Working with oneself with one’s own brain and body can go a long way but there are limits to how deep and effective that discovery goes. Having a trained, experienced, caring and deeply attentive sparring partner can make all the difference. I know that my Coach has a Coach too.
I’m wishing you patience, strength and energy to be with & if you have never worked with a coach before. Give it a try.